Human, All Too Human
It’s been well over a week since I have returned from my 3-week visit to Moscow, Russia.
In my reflection of the feelings I’ve experienced during my travels, and in contemplating the value of my experiences there, a phrase came to mind: “Human, All Too Human”. That is the title of one of Nietzsche’s works, but the reason a decided to use it as a title for this post is more due to the sentiment it expresses.
Uncontrollable humanness.
In my day-to-day experience of living the American Dream (by no means an irony) I seek and often obtain a great deal of balance. Even when my emotions cause a storm within me, and my thoughts get jumbled into one big chaotic mess, the thread of Order, Sanity, Happiness and Connection help me find my way back to my center, to my inner peace.
In Russia, that thread simply didn’t exist. There was no way back, no way out of being submerged into the raw reality. Everywhere I looked - the TV, billboards, advertising screens embedded into the walls of public transportation, magazines, the radio in a taxi I would occasionally take - focused on Survival, Reproduction and Raising Children. Much attention was directed towards food (the quality of it, prices on it, cooking, storing, and consuming), any kind of ads selling luxuries or items that are not necessity-based featured scantily clad women in sexually inviting poses, and the majority of social conditioning consistently reminded everyone to get married, have children and then have more children.
Much to my shock, I was asked by multiple people that are neither my romantic partner nor my doctor when I am planning to have kids. It wasn’t even “if”, though that, too, would be completely unacceptable. I was so flabbergasted each and every time that I was at a complete loss of words to say anything back. What should have been “that’s none of your business” turned out to be incoherent mumbling, and I felt very invaded and disappointed in myself because of that.
As far as being an Empath goes (which, if you don’t know, is a quality that makes one so sensitive that he or she can feel the emotions of others - so much so that they can feel like his or her own) - which I struggled with growing up in Russia - I admit to gathering, embodying and expressing a lot of Anger, Hatred and Hostility. I do not enjoy these feelings, and usually do not let them into my experience. However, while in Moscow, there was little I could do. Everywhere I went, people shoved each other, cursed at each other, gave each other mean looks. I could feel what they felt, and spending a day out on the town, traveling by means of public transportation, was absolutely exhausting. It was horrifying to be overcome by a want to say something mean, or to suddenly have to hold myself back from giving dirty looks to absolute strangers. In such an environment, mental health becomes a struggle even to those who are not usually troubled by it - and for those that are, the task seems to be close to impossible.
In all of this raw humanness, though often hard to manage, I found myself connecting to long-suppressed issues that came up to be resolved. These were: Self-Worth, Self-Acceptance and Unconditional Love. I realized that my early life experiences resulted in blocks and traumas that I am now finally ready to release and heal. My journey back to the motherland gave me the push that I needed to “cut the cord” and set myself free from having to justify my existence, my desires and dreams, as well as my choices to ANYONE other than myself. I also realized that despite the negative feelings and impulses, the humans I encountered in Russia, all without exception, were Lovable and Worthy of Love even if they have forgotten it.