Gratitude to Death for New Life

Only the third day of being a 27-year-old and already Mercury is going retrograde, the summer Solstice is approaching with other celestial drama on the horizon (such as lunar and solar eclipses), and the world as we know it has come to an end.

I’ve spent a day contemplating my recent experiences in life, as well as looking back over longer cycles of my experience, ranging from early childhood to this very moment right now.

I’ve come to realize that letting something old go is just as valuable as creating something new. One is not possible without the other.

This season collectively is changing our state of being. We face a great need for purging, releasing, letting go, forgiving, and holding space for the pain that the attachment to the old causes us. Death is part of life, but resisting the death of something can cause the Spirit great, unnecessary suffering.

After 3 years of being in business for myself pursuing a career that felt meaningless and empty, I’ve had the difficult awakening that brought me to a realization that I was the only person holding myself chained to what no longer served me. For far too long I tried so hard to mold myself into someone else’s or perhaps the collective societal ideas on what success should look like. I was doing everything I could to make sure that my career choice was “normal”, and “cool”, and “appropriate”, and “professional”, and “approved of”, and so on.

Meanwhile, from the depth of my soul, a different narrative was emerging. My spiritual practice seeped into every aspect of my life, and occasionally I would not be able to hold back the truth that spoke through me more than I could ever speak it myself. I spent all my personal time doing Tarot and Oracle card readings for myself and my friends. I fasted for the many Ayahuasca ceremonies in secret, still pretending to keep up my “normal” and “appropriate” appearances. I documented my intuitive prayers and rituals in my journals, making no note of them publicly.

I began Art Modeling. Then, Figure Modeling which in most cases involves complete nudity in front of an audience of professional artists or art students. Being naked in front of strangers is rarely considered an “appropriate” career choice, but suddenly how I felt in my body and how I had the power to let others express themselves through drawing it was MORE IMPORTANT to me than people pleasing. Art Modeling awakened something within me that has been longing for RECOGNITION and RESPECT - something visceral and long suppressed.

On the brink of the pandemic, I faced some underhanded hush-hush criticism from a potential business partner which was not made public. There was confusion as to whether or not Art Modeling, and nudity in general, were sexual. After preparing a passionate statement defending that nudity and depiction of it in art are not in any way sexual, but rather natural and realistic, I had to stop.

I didn’t need to defend myself to anyone. I had nothing to prove. Instead, I was living a lie. And I was tired of it, but being stuck in the prison of your own mind can get tricky sometimes. I was the one holding the keys - and still, I had to find them.

As the crisis spread across the globe and the existing business partnerships I had came to a halt, I was suddenly faced with an unprecedented opportunity. I had to admit to myself that I was greatly relieved to be out of business. It took a while to sink in and at first I didn’t understand it…

I had to fire myself. I had to fire myself to finally set myself free. And so I did.

Without knowing what will come next, I took the plunge and surrendered the attachment that I’ve built up over the past three years of being in business for myself. I’ve had to let go of the expectations I’ve place on myself, my image in the eyes of others, the approval I was addicted to, and the roles that I’ve gotten so used to playing.

Who was I going to become? What would be next for me? What’s the plan?

I didn’t know. That’s why death is part of life - you can’t know what’s on the other end until you cross over. I don’t mean to sound grave… But death is not a once-in-a-lifetime event. Parts of us die all the time. Old beliefs die. Cells in our body die constantly. Why? To give life to the new. To make room for the better. To become something you’ve never been before.

I welcomed the transition into my career before ever knowing what will come next.

Miraculously, a new direction emerged naturally as I held space for the unknown and followed my intuitive guidance. My spiritual practice took off and I began receiving orders for readings from clients all over the world in volumes that I’ve never imagined. That’s just the beginning.

As I settle into the new year of my life, I want to honor the gift of death. Without it, my new life would not be possible. Here’s to Endings and New Beginnings!

You can watch my latest video on YouTube creating a Death Tarot card inspired makeup look. I filmed it before my birthday without any intention of writing this post - and yet things come together quite perfectly without much trying or force when you are in Alignment with your Being and your Truth.